As I lay here gagged and bound on her dinner plate I’m filled with a sense of wonder rather than fear. Who would’ve thought that by attaining enlightenment I’d be turning myself into an intergalactic beacon?

I guess I fell for the hype. The promises of peace. The end of suffering. The annihilation of the ego. It’s funny how I became more pompous and narcissistic as a result of meditating. Fucking mindfulness.

I felt a dull throbbing as the drill bore through my forehead…