It’s been said that although we only live once it’s possible to die a dozen times. Ten years ago I gave up. I sold my camera and by doing so gave up the very thing that I was ever truly passionate about. I sold my soul.
Vanity is fair. In a world saturated with negative imagery it stands to reason that people would seek refuge through fashion-through beauty. My earliest memory of being drawn towards photography began in highschool. I met another student named Harold Waight and found out he was a photographer. I’m not sure why I agreed to be photographed but I was intrigued by the creative excitement involved in planning the shoot and went along with it. We did the impromptu photoshoot at his apartment complex and the images turned out great. Though modeling was not something I was into-being behind the lens was. I wanted in.
Sometime later I entered college and used spare money from the grant I received to purchase an entry-level camera and a laptop. Doors opened. I found myself being invited to private venues and runway shows. The realization that I could literally write my own check empowered me.
It was not long before this venture became less about what I wanted and more of catering to others. A fatal mistake.
I found myself agreeing to work at baby showers and other such events. Even more frustrating was how one individual would literally use me as his personal paparazzi.
In short, I became disenchanted with the whole thing. I eventually pawned my camera.
Years later I spot a familiar face on the front cover of a Target advertisement. Sharlene Radlein. I took her photo once! I went nuts! As pigheaded as it may sound I felt like I had a hand in her success. A little influence at best. Nostalgia set in and I did a little digging. Turned out both Harold and Sharlene were in New York doing their thing. It was hard not to compare lives. I was living in a shelter.
There’s something about will power that isn’t often discussed at length. If you want something and want it badly-things tend to happen. Provided you remain sober, meaning that you refrain from distracting yourself and diluting your focus, something will give.
This isn’t some self-help mumbo jumbo to simply read in order to feel goosebumps-its experiential. It’s a truth that’s to be experienced.
I’ve seen proof of this sporadically in my own life.
Nietzsche I think wrote about it.
The will to power.
I’ve been keeping a check taped next to my bed for the past month or so.
It was originally for $150 but after cashing it I added a couple zeros for motivation.
I also taped an image of a professional camera onto it.
Yesterday I ordered a refurbished Canon EOS Mark II.
The battery is charging now.
Here’s to resurrections.